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What does my faith mean to me ?

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Having been brought up in a Hindu household, I've always been accustomed to agreeing to be within certain boundaries, whether in my social or personal life. I still remember when I was three years old, my mom took me to Saraswati Mandir in Dabali, which is just 5 minutes away from my home. It was Saraswatipuja that day & it also was the very first day when I was taught how to write the Devanagari script, my mom held my hands, and we together wrote " क,ख, ग " on the walls of the temple. After doing so, we took blessings from the Pandit who was there & went home. For the three-year-old me, it practically meant nothing, and I couldn't comprehend why my mum would take me to a place as sacred as the temple to teach me Devanagari script, and what even was the point of scribbling into the walls? I often stayed in my Mamaghar in my childhood cause both of my parents worked a 9-5 job. On the days when my Aama was free from her household chores, she took me

19 & unemployed

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I sigh as I wake up early in the morning, I'm restless and my body is aching everywhere. As I look into my phone it's 5:01 am, and the voices of alarm don't seem to stop despite me trying to turn it off. It's such a cold day I say to myself, as I finally get out of my bed to get ready for college. I do all the mundane tasks which include things like brushing my teeth, combing my hair, and changing into fresh pair of clothes. It was already 5:30 am so I rushed out of my home & into my bus stop. While I stood there waiting for the bus, I started thinking about all the places where I had applied my resume last night and counted the probability of me getting in, the probability was zero of course, why would any company hire someone who's just passed their high school & has little to no experience.  As soon as the bus arrived I rushed inside & sat in the cornered seat which was available. I began checking my emails, it showed I had no new mails t

Falling in love

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I remember when I was a kid I used to have this idea about love that it was so profound & so pure. Even now I'm not sure what it really means, but it has done incredible things to me and honestly made me a better person. It's so hard describing the very thing I experience & feel every fucking day. My interpretation of love is so simple, I believe it to be an emotion that gives you an immense amount of comfort and joy. Although love has its variations be romantic, platonic, or parental I think each & every one of them is equally important. But " young love " it's incredibly flustering. When two young people with big dreams & ambition fall in love with each other the days suddenly start being more blissful & fun. Ever since I met him, I've had this voice inside me that tells me, I don't deserve to fall in love with someone so perfect cause I’m nothing like him, maybe it's my nativity that puts me in a position where I feel

To my first girl crush

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I first formally met you in 8th grade, We were competing against each other's team in a basketball game, to be quite honest I didn’t even know how to play that sport, I was just there cause one of my teammates was injured. Good god, you were so fucking beautiful. Amazing brunette hair with the perfect length, kind face, and legitimately a very intelligent and caring individual. You were popular, athletic, and had a smile that could light up any room and I was nothing like you. I usually find people in that position to be very mean and bratty, but I do honestly believe to this day that you were an exception cause you were always incredibly thoughtful and warm. I’m not even sure when I first started liking you but it was probably when we were getting to the end of 10th grade, I used to find you so pretty and attractive. You were one of the kindest people I knew back then, and even if we didn’t have much in common I'm so glad that we at least shared our interest in bo

Coping with grief & loss

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Everyone & Everything dies. The tree that you see right outside your door will die someday, the bird that's flying in the sky will no longer be in the sky one day, the snail that's moving in the ground will no longer be there one day and we, we humans are as certain to die like everything else in the world. Some die because they choose to do so, and some die because their body is reaching the end of its life. But grieving and mourning are different for everyone. I'm not someone who intensely mourns over the death of people around me, cause I understand death is certain and there’s not a power in the universe that can stop it, in addition to that I'm never comfortable showing my emotions to others...It's tough losing someone close to us & it's tough having to move on with the realization of their absence...I often deal with my emotions by acknowledging the pain and understanding that there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. At one point, I

Grooming and hypersexuality

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I had a very chaotic teenage life, ever since I was 17 I started to go to therapy & was on a lot of antidepressants. Back then my bisexuality & queer identity made me feel very uncomfortable and suffocated, cause I wasn't able to accept myself; I guess that was just a result of me being brought up in a conservative household.Anyway when I look back to the past I see a very naive person who wanted alot of validation and acceptance from people around them. I was a people pleasurer as i did about anything if it meant that the "said" person was gonna be happy. But now that i'm 19 i understand things a lot better than i used to, but I still carry a lot of shame & guilt which i'm not able to get past.Many things happened to me while i was 16,17 and alot of it still traumatises me.But therapy has helped me a lot with managing my emotions regerading the said "subject". When i was 16, I used to spend a lot of time online, i talked with alo

body & insecurities

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People are subconsciously pushed into looking like / or presenting themselves as a certain perfect figurine...And that figurine is somewhat already established... I feel everyone has been a victim of envying men & women in magazines, televisions,phones because, for some reason, that felt acceptable and beautiful to us.But when it comes back to our own bodies, why do we hate it ? The reasons are so much more deeper than someone to just pinpoint it & explain, there are good reasons,bad reasons, – they may not be correct, they may be horrific and mean and based in decades of well-funded sexism,fatphobia,...but they were taught to us while we were very young.We basically cannot turn around without being exposed to depictions of very thin,tall, "flawless, often highly sexualized women & men.And due to the very fact that beauty is often related to people having them “Perfect” bodies we end up questioning our own,we even take it a step further and point out the pa